Ramblin'

I'm beginning to feel extremely anxious.  My Daddy's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm getting worried about how well I'm going to deal with it.  I want to be able to celebrate and fully embrace the day. After his birthday is Father's Day. Back to back within a month of each other. Not sure if my emotions will be on overload or if I will handle it "properly" I haven't cried about him much lately.  I had a moment Monday night, but just for a few minutes. Other than that my emotions have been in check. Making progress, baby steps, but steps in the right direction!

 I have finally come to the conclusion that God did/does have a plan.  It is a daily struggle sometimes to see it, but I know in the end God is showing His grace for me.  My relationships with myself, my family, friends, and God have gotten so much stronger in the past month or so. It's amazing the way God works. I have finally started letting go and letting Him be in charge of my life and letting Him lead me. Which is also still a daily struggle because sometimes my type A personality likes to rear its ugly head. My counselor gave me some good advice yesterday.  I was telling her that I feel like my feelings are always telling/leading me in the wrong direction. My head is telling me one thing and my heart saying "oh no it's fine, they're your feelings, you must be right. Blah Blah Blah..." She told me that I needed to start listening to my head because most of the time that's the logic and God telling you the right thing to do.  So all of that being said, yesterday I made a promise to myself that I would start, or at least try, to start following my brain and not my heart. I have decided that if something is meant to be it will happen on God's time, if not, then so be it, there is something better that God has planned. All I can do is put myself out there, say what I'm feeling or thinking, and then it is out of my hands. I can't control anything. 

With all of that, please pray that I continue to let God lead me and for me to be able to let things go. Also, pray that on Daddy's birthday, May 14, all goes well and that it is a joyous day and full of celebration.

Surge of Emotions.... Suck

For some reason I just decided I would read the blogs I wrote when Daddy passed. All I can do is sit here and cry and think of how much I miss him and how he needs to be here with me right now in Colorado, I need him everyday. I miss that man so much. Everything we have done, at some point in time this trip I've thought, Daddy would love this, or if Daddy was here right now he'd be doing ______. I really try to keep it all together and not cry because I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable. There is nothing anyone can do to make me feel better. Only God & time will do that and I think it is going to be a while.  My Momma & Jackson left today to go back home.  I miss them like crazy. I felt so at peace the past couple days having the people I love most under one roof with me. I wish it could be like this everyday, but I'm afraid we'd all be crazy then! :)

I want my Daddy to come back so bad it hurts.  The pain I feel and the emptiness is just not fair.  Sometimes and right now I feel like I could just scream.  Screaming makes me feel better. Just to be able to get out some other kind of emotion instead of crying helps me. I hate crying. I hate seeing the people I love seeing me be upset. Then I hate not being able to explain why I'm crying or where the emotion came from. I seriously never know when it will hit me. This whole thing just sucks. Really, really, really sucks. I want so bad to feel better.

I have not mustered up the strength yet to go visit Daddy's grave. That is something that has been on my mind the past couple of days.  I want to go. I need to go. But I'm scared. It is something I need to do on my own. I need to go talk to him by myself but going to visit his grave makes this whole thing even more of a reality. Please pray that God will guide me and give me strength to make that visit.

Not sure how the rest of the night will pan out, I feel like I could just cry myself sleep. I don't want or need to do that so hopefully this surge of emotion will pass quick.

Colorado Part 1

We made it to Colorado! We have been having so much fun just relaxing.  Thursday night (Friday morning) we didn't get in till 12 am so as soon as we hit the door it was time for bed.  Yesterday morning we got up and it was snowing.  Jackson & Blaise went out in the back and played.   It was nice to be able to sit and watch them having fun. Jackson & Blaise also made Dance Videos! I love watching them play together. Blaise tried to teach Jackson how to do a cartwheel, that lasted all of 2 minutes. Haha. We went tubing last night, which was so much fun.  I am not much of a skier so I won't being doing that on this trip.  I have enjoyed getting to spend quality time with my Momma. It's nice to be able to wake up and sit in the kitchen and talk or listen to her tell people stories about Daddy. I so needed this trip, just to breath.  I feel like I can take a deep breath now. Which I haven't been able to do for weeks. Jackson is skiing right now. I can't wait for him to get back so I can hear how he did. We are going to go shopping today & ice skating tonight. Here are some pictures from the past couple of day!

Jackson's First time!

Me & Momma! Isn't she beautiful?!

Playing in the snow.

So beautiful

Ready to go tubing!

Cool Dude

We've had a vistor both mornings we have been here

Almost came up to the deck!

He's ready to Ski

How cute is my boy!

Ramblings

I sort of took a hiatus from blogging after Daddy died. My emotions were all the place and they still are so I've decided it would be best to go ahead and get it out.  I'm sitting in a car right now with the people who I love and adore the most in this world minus 2. I'm with Momma, Brian, Blaise, & Jackson. The only 2 people who are missing would be my sister & my Daddy.  We are on our way to Little Rock right now to get on a plane to Winter Park, Colorado.  A trip we were suppose to take with my Daddy. But he passed away Sunday, January 13 & we were suppose to leave the following Friday, January 18.

The past couple of weeks have been hard. I can wake up in the morning and everything be fine, get in my car to drive to work & burst into tears. I feel like I need to be locked up in a padded room somewhere by myself because I feel like I'm going nuts.  But from all the professionals and people in my situation say this is all normal.  I DO NOT feel normal. Nothing about this is "normal" I have a new  "normal" now, I guess.

Well as I sit in the car driving away from everything, I feel at peace.  I have my headphones in listening to music. All feels right with the world right now. I can feel the sun on my face and I feel like that's all I really need right now.  Why can't life be this easy? Drive away from your problems listening to your favorite tunes. (Wishful Thinking I know)

God and I have had a love/hate relationship lately.  There for a while I was extremely mad at him. I was pissed off at him & my Daddy. I felt like they had both let me down. Left me here to tend to things on my own. I know Daddy isn't suffering anymore and that God has plan but to completely honest this whole situation just SUCKS. There is no other way to describe it, it just plain ole sucks. Well thank God for my Momma & Brian. They have helped me a lot and let me know that it's okay to go to someone to talk to.  So within the past 3 weeks I have been going to see a Christian Counselor, who I absolutely love.  It's so nice to go in the room and say any and everything that you're upset about, mad about, happy about, whatever she is there to listen.  Well my first week I told I was struggling with my relationship with God and I needed some guidance.  She has done just that.  Yesterday we talked about praying.  She told me a story of someone who she had overheard talking at church the other day, she said this lady was talking about someone she knew who was struggling with an addiction problem.  She said I can't do anything but pray. I told God he had a problem and that he needed to work on it.

I love that. So I've been telling God he has all kinds of problems he needs to get to busy working on :) Not in those words.  But they are God's problems.  I can't handle everything. I'm only human.  He died on that cross for me so that I would't have to carry so many burdens. So I'm trying very hard to give it all to God.  Please pray for me.  That my relationship keeps getting stronger and closer.

I feel like I'm rambling now so I'm going to stop! Haha. Please pray we have a safe flight and we have an awesome trip!

God's little ways

I have a few weird/funny things that have happened that I know God did on purpose.
The first thing that happened was, that my parents gave me two vinyls to hang on the wall.  I couldn't decide where I wanted either one of them to go.  One said, "What is meant to be will always find a way" The other said, "We don't remember days... We remember Moments."  I got this beautiful cross from a very dear and best friend of mine, Ms Beverly.  I found the absolute perfect place to hang the cross and then decided the quote "We don't remember days... we remember moments" fit perfectly.  The night that we closed the casket I did not want to walk away because I wasn't going to be able to see my Daddy again.  I just remember my Momma saying "You have memories, you have the memories, you have to remember that" Well the cross and the quote is a daily reminder of the memories that I will forever have.

The last thing that happened was, I had a very large melt down New Years Eve.  My Daddy had called and asked what we were doing, I said we were going over to Jessica & Clint's and I invited him and mom to come.  He said, well you know your momma is probably not going to want to come.  I said that was okay call me back if they changed their minds.  Well, Thankfully they came.  I was so excited! We played games all night and ate.  I kept telling Jessica and Brian I was scared of what was going to happen to him, I wanted to be able to spend next New Years Eve with him.  I really had a melt down about everything.  Well obviously that won't get to happen.
But I told Jessica last night that if my Daddy had to be taken, God picked the perfect time.  We got to spend the holidays with him and made tons of memories that are fresh in my mind to help me make it through the day.  I couldn't think of a better time to be honest.  I know that  God did all of things intentionally and I really am trying to look on the "bright side"

I had a melt down on the way to school this morning.  Going back to the real world was extremely hard.  I'm use to passing my Daddy on the way to work or seeing his truck parked in Braden.  It hit me that I won't ever get to see him there anymore.  I sent my friend Lauren a text this morning asking her how in the world she adjusted getting back to real world.  She said the next few weeks were going to be the hardest but to keep myself busy and set small things to accomplish each day.  I really can't believe that we both have lost our Dads within months of each other.  But I'm so thankful I have someone I can vent to and who can give me sound and strong advice.

So God,
I'm thankful that you have given these few MONUMENTAL memories for me to hold onto along with the thousands of others I have.  I would also like to thank you for giving me a wonderful life long friend like Lauren to be able to talk to.  Thank you for my Strong and Amazing Momma. I'm still amazed at how strong she is.  Also, thank you for my sister, brother-in-law, Jackson, my grandparents, and my friends.  I have so many people in my life who love and care for me to help through this very long journey I have ahead.  I know you have sent all of these people into for my life for a reason and it's showing right now.

Emotions = Roller Coaster

It’s hard to believe that is has been a whole week.  It doesn’t seem like it’s been a week, it seems like it has been months.  This has been, without a doubt, the longest week of my entire life.  I still feel like a zombie, walking around completely oblivious to everything.  I feel like when Brian tries to talk to me he has to repeat himself several times because I’m just not with it.  I hope that by going back to work Tuesday will help me get out of the foggy haze I’m in.  I haven’t really cried that much the past couple of days.  I don’t think it’s officially hit me yet.  I think I’m still in shock.  There has been so much going on that I haven’t really had time to process it and when I am home by myself all I’m doing is pretty much sleeping.  I don’t feel like getting up and doing anything, I’m emotionally drained.  Right now I really feel like I’m cried out and I have no emotions left in me.  I’m sure it will hit me soon.

Since this is my blog and how I feel I’m just going to say it, I’ve started to feel jealous.  I feel jealous of my friends and even Brian.  They still have their Daddys.  I want mine. Brian found a book last night called “Why Daddy’s are Important to their Daughters”  I felt a surge a jealously rush through my veins.  I hope that this is “normal” and I’m not overreacting. I haven’t told anyone about the jealously I’ve had. 

Even before my Daddy passed I wanted to shake some people and tell them to wake the hell up.  They are spending too much of their lives being pissed off about stupid things and not looking at the bright side.  That is one valuable lesson I learned when Daddy was diagnosed with cancer, Do NOT take the little things for granted.  It’s the dinners you get to sit down and have, the car rides alone, the conversations you have, the hugs, the kisses.  Not the petty childish things that piss you off.  Hold onto to little moments, because in the blink of an eye they can be taken away.  So I think I’m jealous because I feel like so many people take the small things for granted and quite frankly is pisses me the hell off.  I didn’t.  I made sure I made the best out of every moment I had with him and I wish some people would do that too.  Not even just with their parents but everything in general.  I want to say get your head out of your ass and smell the roses.  Stop living life being pissed off or holding grudges. 

God,

I hope that you will take the jealously I’m feeling away from me.  Help me open my eyes and see the plan you have.  I continue to ask that you look over my family. Thank you again for all the memories I have of my Daddy. 

Saying Goodbye

Well... I survived today.  We laid my daddy down to rest.  And I can say with all my being that I know we did him proud.  John Deere & Camo everywhere.  We made sure he had his rings on his fingers and his tobacco in his shirt pocket.  Last night and today have been some of the longest days of my life.  My mom had made the decision that we would close the casket last night and it would be closed today for the funeral.  At first I didn't want that.  But I am so happy we did.  That was one of the hardest things I have ever had do.  To know that that would be the very last time I could touch, kiss, hold, and see My Daddy.  I just cried and cried.  It was heartbreaking.  I know he wasn't there, but I could still physically see him which made me feel a little better.  It was so hard for me say goodbye.
The funeral today was absolutely amazing.  Everything was done exactly how he would have wanted it, from the music played at the beginning of the funeral to the stories told.  If anyone who knew my Daddy or knows my family knows that we are huge farm people.  My parents are always riding mules/horses with the wagon.  You would also know that my daddy raised me and sister racing goats.  So the paul bearers carried my daddy out to a mule drawn wagon where he would be pulled to the cemetery.  Followed by that was a wagon pulled by his wild horse "Doc" that Daddy's grandchildren and best friend rode in.  Followed by that were 3 of my daddy's good friends who rode on their horses. EVERYTHING was perfect.  I am so sad to know that my Daddy will no longer be around but I have an awesome, strong, wonderful Mother and the best sister, brother-in-law, and grand-parents to make more memories with.

Here they all come

Daddy's casket covered in Camo.  Cartwright (in Orange) was my Daddy's right hand man. Daddy bought him those overalls and we told him to wear them.  Cartwright told us that daddy said he wouldn't buy him the regular colored ones cause they costed an extra 10 dollars.  We can't spend extra money.  

All  the grandsons and Daddy's best friend with Daddy's wild horse Doc

And of course the goats! 

But, the person I want to brag about the most is my Momma.  She is so strong.  She has held it together and kept everything together the entire time.  If it were me in her shoes I would have fallen apart Sunday night and still not be able to function.  She made sure every detail that my Daddy would have wanted and deserved was done and went off without a hitch.  I know without a doubt he looked down today and said "Rosey, you done Good!"

We sure will miss him.  It will take me and my family a while to get back to normal.  Well... I guess it won't ever really be "normal" again we will just have to make our own "new normal"  I'm so glad that Jackson got to hang out with "Joe" as much as he did and that we have so many stories to be able to tell him and even hopefully my future children one day.

I know that this day and yesterday will be a blur in weeks to come but I won't to remember and know for a fact that is was done just the way Daddy would have wanted it to be.

A big thank you to everyone who helped today to make sure everything went the way it was suppose to today.

I just ask that you please continue to pray for my family.  God has a reason for this.  I pray that you help open my eyes to the reason and shine the light on it.


I also want to post that I did have a dream Monday night.  It felt so real.  I've always heard of people saying they see spirits or ghosts whatever, but I never believed it.  Anyway, I dreamed that Daddy was standing in the living room, dressed as he always was, with his hat on and everything.  He reached out and gave me a big hug.  Then I woke up.  It wasn't a normal dream.  It felt so real.  I know that my Daddy's spirit came and saw me that night.  I just pray that I continue to have more encounters with him like that.  It made me feel a little bit more at peace.

God,
Please help my family through this difficult time.  Thank you for all the caring people we have in our lives who love my family.  Thank you for letting us make so many memories with my Daddy and for us to be able to share so many stories about him.

I love seeing all the cars lined up behind the horses.
Joe caused a ruckus one last time in Mason.

Numb on the inside

I told some friends of mine tonight that this whole thing is so hard for me to process.  One minute I’m crying and the next I’m laughing.  Today Brian and I were driving in the car, I didn’t feel like talking so I sat I stared out the window thinking about the last moments I had with my Daddy.  As we pull into Wal-Mart I look around and see everyone doing their daily routines, shopping, getting gas, etc.   I kept thinking don’t these people know my Daddy is gone, no longer here. Shouldn’t everything just stop?  I feel like my world is at a stand still and everyone else’s is going along just fine and normal.  I try to keep telling myself that this is all in God’s plan, but that is so much easier said than done.   I think, who is going to walk me down the aisle when I get married?  Who is going to hold my baby?  I know that I have all kinds of special people in my life to help fill in those voids, but it’s not MY Daddy.  It’s not how I always imagined things to be.  I can say that I did make the best out of every moment I had with him every chance I got ever since he was diagnosed with cancer.  I have a friend whose Dad just passed away suddenly a couple of months ago as well and I got to sit and talk with her tonight. I hate to say I’m happy to have someone who’s in the same boat as me, because NO ONE wants that.  But we have been friends since we were babies so I know that I can be very blunt, open, and honest with her and she will do the same thing with me.  I am not mad at God. I have to come to peace with this.  He has a plan.  I am thankful that he let me be there for the last breaths that my Daddy took.  I got to hold his hand.  I got to kiss his cheek and tell him how much I love him.  I got to climb in the bed and lay with him like I’ve done since I was a kid; the only thing was I couldn’t smell his tobacco or feel his hands rubbing my back. 

God,

  I know you took him for a reason.  I know that he was suffering.  I am so thankful that you made me realize not to take the little things for granted.  I will miss my Daddy very much.  I will miss seeing him sitting in the driveway when I pull up.  I will miss sitting under the pear tree drinking beer with him or having a couple of glasses of wine.  I will miss hearing all of his stories.   I will miss his big hugs.  Hearing him tell me he loves me.  I will come to peace with this.  I know you will help and guide me through me this.  But right now God, I’m numb.  I want and need you to help me understand.  Thank  you for all the memories I made with my Daddy for the past 25 years.