Emotions = Roller Coaster

It’s hard to believe that is has been a whole week.  It doesn’t seem like it’s been a week, it seems like it has been months.  This has been, without a doubt, the longest week of my entire life.  I still feel like a zombie, walking around completely oblivious to everything.  I feel like when Brian tries to talk to me he has to repeat himself several times because I’m just not with it.  I hope that by going back to work Tuesday will help me get out of the foggy haze I’m in.  I haven’t really cried that much the past couple of days.  I don’t think it’s officially hit me yet.  I think I’m still in shock.  There has been so much going on that I haven’t really had time to process it and when I am home by myself all I’m doing is pretty much sleeping.  I don’t feel like getting up and doing anything, I’m emotionally drained.  Right now I really feel like I’m cried out and I have no emotions left in me.  I’m sure it will hit me soon.

Since this is my blog and how I feel I’m just going to say it, I’ve started to feel jealous.  I feel jealous of my friends and even Brian.  They still have their Daddys.  I want mine. Brian found a book last night called “Why Daddy’s are Important to their Daughters”  I felt a surge a jealously rush through my veins.  I hope that this is “normal” and I’m not overreacting. I haven’t told anyone about the jealously I’ve had. 

Even before my Daddy passed I wanted to shake some people and tell them to wake the hell up.  They are spending too much of their lives being pissed off about stupid things and not looking at the bright side.  That is one valuable lesson I learned when Daddy was diagnosed with cancer, Do NOT take the little things for granted.  It’s the dinners you get to sit down and have, the car rides alone, the conversations you have, the hugs, the kisses.  Not the petty childish things that piss you off.  Hold onto to little moments, because in the blink of an eye they can be taken away.  So I think I’m jealous because I feel like so many people take the small things for granted and quite frankly is pisses me the hell off.  I didn’t.  I made sure I made the best out of every moment I had with him and I wish some people would do that too.  Not even just with their parents but everything in general.  I want to say get your head out of your ass and smell the roses.  Stop living life being pissed off or holding grudges. 

God,

I hope that you will take the jealously I’m feeling away from me.  Help me open my eyes and see the plan you have.  I continue to ask that you look over my family. Thank you again for all the memories I have of my Daddy.